Word of the Day: COMPLEX

I’ve been eating normal foods for a week now and, let me tell you, it has been beyond delicious!  Tonight I had oven fried pork chops and some macaroni & cheese.  Of course, it was only 2 oz. of meat and 1 oz of mac & cheese but still… not to mention, I’m stuffed!  Yesterday, I was able to cook jambalaya for the family and actually eat dinner with them; can you say “simple”?

Anyways, as I logged in my food for the evening, I realized that it’s time for me to weigh myself in tomorrow morning and a sudden sense of panic came over me.  What if I didn’t lose anything?  Worse yet, what if I gained?  Logically, I know that I am eating 750 calories or less per day, with 210 of them being in a protein drink, so it would be almost impossible for me to have gained weight and yet, the fear is still there and very real.  I saw my psychologist Friday and she said that everything I am going through is “normal” and to be expected but I can’t help but wonder if this new development in my weight loss train of thought would also be classified as “normal”.  I mean what woman (or man for that matter) is scared to stand on the scale merely three weeks after bariatric surgery?

Maybe it’s because I know I haven’t been walking around the block or getting as active as I probably should be.  Maybe it’s because I’m eating the same foods after surgery as I was before surgery.  The thing is, that’s supposed to be OK, especially because I eat healthier foods most of the time.  Whatever it is, I need it to stop.  I felt guilty when I ate before because I knew it was doing nothing but adding more garbage to my disgusting, fat-riddled body.  Now, I’m eating things the way I’m supposed to: I chew until it’s a soggy, pureed consistency in mouth, I measure every single thing I eat and drink, I pay attention to what my body is telling me and I make conscious decisions to stop eating when I am full and still, I have this sick feeling of guilt after every meal.

I love food too much; developing yet another unhealthy relationship with it after this surgery is probably not the best idea.  I wonder if this is how some bariatric patients become anorexic or bulimic?  It’s probably best I see my psychologist again soon…


About formerfatbitch

I'm a former fat bitch on the path towards becoming a healthy bitch and I'm taking everyone along for the ride with me so saddle up!
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